Not So Good Dreams of a Special Needs Mom

We all have hopes and dreams for our lives. What I want to discuss in this post are the dreams I have as a special needs mom when I close my eyes at night. The not so good dreams that leave me waking with my soul aching and a scream caught in my throat.

I dream quite often and most of the time they are typical dreams. Just random pleasant thoughts flashing across the screen in my mind. I usually remember some aspects of my dreams and I wake softly. Sometimes however the movie that was playing in my head is more of the horror kind, a soul shaking experience. I'm curious if I am the only one who dreams the storyline I am about to tell.

In my dreams I am with my son and we will be traveling somewhere to do something. I never really know what we we're going to do because we never make it. The overall feeling is that it was to be a fun outing. Nothing really seems out of place with the exception that it is almost always night in these dreams. We are traveling when there comes a subtle shift, a slight change in the fabric of the scene. At times it's just a breeze, a sound, a piece of paper fluttering across the road before us, a solitary lightening bolt, the car dies or I see an ominous glance from a stranger. Then the world suddenly turns threatening and violent. The darkness of the night grows thicker and we are on the run. I have experienced torrential rains, winds, hail storms and even earthquakes in my dreams. There are crumpled burning cars, toppled buildings with debris all around. Rising waters with no life rafts. Buildings with floors missing or escape doors locked tight. Highways with broken, jutting pavement and abandoned cars. Dirt, charred trees and vegetation. Wild and hungry animals wailing in the distance but coming closer. A deranged person tracking us down with evil intent.  Isolation with no one around. No cell phones and no form of communication. It always seems it is just me and my son trapped in what appears to be a post apocalyptic world trying to escape with no one to help us. It is up to me. I have to protect my son. The forces that wish to harm aren't coming for me. They are coming for him. I think that is the most disturbing part. Come for me not my baby. He is innocent and defenseless. I scream for help but no one comes. I am alone. Many times I have to pick him up and carry him over large debris fields or through a maze of a delapitated building that always strangely resembles a hospital. At times someone will have started the dream with us but they always get lost in the maelstrom leaving me to be our only hope for survival. One of us will be hurt. We struggle and fight for safety, for freedom, for life. Somehow amidst the nightmare scenario we find a way out. A chance escape. Once we make it out I still see no people just desolation. The landscape ahead is dark and fragmented. Occasionally the person from the beginning of the dream reappears. Most of the time though it is just my son and I on a highway with nothing in sight. All I can see are the reflective lines on the road ahead lit by the twin beams of light from the vehicle I commandeered. And darkness. Black velvet darkness... But we are on our way... to somewhere out of the dark and into the light.

I only have these dreams about my son and not all of the dreams he is in are like this just some of them. My daughter who is twenty-four, married with a daughter of her own does not appear in these dreams. When I dream of her they are always sweet dreams. Not terrifying.

Psychoanalyzing these dreams one might assume that I am alone. I'm not. I am married. Not to my son's father but my husband is very loving and supportive of me and my son. When I need him he is always there. I have supportive family and friends who love us and will help out. So why is it my subconscious tells me I am alone in this war? That in the deepest darkest aspects of our battles I fight alone.

I think that maybe I have these dreams because the fear and concern for his well being are at the core of my soul and as his mother I feel it is my war to fight. The illnesses and evils of hurtful souls are my enemies. My son is innocent in this war and I suppose that I feel in the end I am his defender, his protector and we will survive. We will make it through the battles of this life and our journey will continue to brighter days.

Carry on With Love,
Sharon